Fifteen Reasons Why I think My Childhood May Have Been Messed Up

1) Our house was filled with furniture my parents stole from the Salvation Army drop box at night.

2) We were made to help shove these items into a Dodge station wagon with a very narrow hatchback wearing pajamas.Usually it was raining.

3) My parents insisted that we all sit in the pitch dark basement on Halloween with one candle to avoid "spiritual warfare". My brother actually admits this. He has blocked everything else out.

I think this was all just to get out of buying the Halloween candy.

4) My parents belonged to a freaky cult where people gave birth in their bathtubs at home, next to a bottle of Lysol with the family, neighbors and cat looking on. I saw pictures.

5) My mother would circle a party listening for anyone who would complain of an ailment, then offer to deliver demons or heal them. This included cold sores. No joke.

6) My Father used to stand at the top of the steps screaming at me when I was late coming home at night. His pajamas were see-through with the light behind them. He never knew why I was laughing hysterically.My poor mother...ew.

7)I saw my mother on all fours on top of the washing machine once, rebuking Satan, screaming at the helpless broken appliance with a wild look in her eye and her smiley face earnings swinging. I stared at her like a puppy trying to figure out a vacuum cleaner.

When this didn't work she climbed down and calmly said "call Sears".

8)  Mom mixed powdered milk and poured it into a "normal" store bought milk carton to trick us. I guess the smelly yellow foam on top was the dead give-away.

9) I came home after school in the 11th grade to find my mother frantically filling a garbage bag with various items around the house claiming they were either satanic or filthy. (she clearly had just read a new book) My old Donny Osmond records, a  yarn Gods-eye I made at camp, souvenirs from Mexico, an ashtray, several Catholic relics from my now dead grandmother, rosaries, prayer cards, books, (Are You There God It's Me Margarete) 10 record albums including Heart whom she insisted were lesbians not sisters, and a Donny and Marie lunch box (Mormons). She burned them at her friend "Putsys" house. I never had the heart to tell her about dads hidden Penthouse collection in the garage.

Each of those items are now at collectors value on Ebay. I check often just to torture myself.

10) We were forbidden to watch Bewitched or I Dream Of Jeanie.

11) My Mother used to tie pantyhose to mine and my brothers bedroom door knobs, which were across the hall from each other, so we would stay in our rooms. She would go downstairs and smoke while chatting on the phone..

12) We had red white and blue carpet in our kitchen .Mom insisted it "warms things up."

13) We were never allowed to have sugared cereal, candy or soda in the house - so when PMS hit around 12, I would take hits from the Hershey's Syrup can when she wasnt looking.

14) Mom had the great idea to sell miniature 3 inch  "bread loaves" at the church holiday bazaar one year. We baked and shellacked 500 tiny loaves of bread for 48 hours. She sold two. After that everyone we knew got bread mobiles as gifts from 1974 to 1998.Thank God I didn't get my marketing and product branding smarts from her.

15) When I was 17, we went to Cancun Mexico on a first (and last) family vacation. To save money, my parents smuggled canned Spam past customs. They were as nervous as if they had ten pounds of cocaine. Later they cleverly cooked little slices using the lid as a pan on the tiny  stove in our hotel room. There we sat on the bed, waiting for "dinner" watching dad flip each piece with a fork.

This is when I knew I had to escape. I moved out a week later.

Thoughts

When life's knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it's not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.

Thought Point

"We say yes out of fear, we say no out of love..."

Good Morning, I Don"t Want To Smell Your Vagina

OK so what's up with smelly vagina women in the gym.

How do I know this you ask? Because I am the unfortunate soul doing crunches on the mat directly below (and slightly to the left) of your squats as you blow your vagina air onto my face.

I mean really. I understand that women roll out of bed going directly to the gym, and shower after, this makes perfect sense. But there should be a few pre-workout, pre-shower ground rules before they even think about sliding that membership card.

Personally, I minimally "rinse off" before going to the gym early in the morning, with a quick spritz of body spray.

This is a must.

For those who don't bother, I say all gym's need to install a secret electronic vajayjay sniffer. If the levels are above a 2, a quick shot of Fabreeze between the legs goes unnoticed as they enter. Anything between a 4 and 7 sounds a quiet alarm to make its owner aware to keep her distance between other gym goers. If above an 8, a pair of clean underwear, a soapy wash cloth and a note emerge.

Please. Think of others around you when you are working out. I can smell you, really.

Unmarried

After 22 years of marriage, I checked out of it at 2:15 in court room 2A a year ago this week. Just like that. No witnesses, no cake, no white dress...hell I didn't even get an ex-bridal shower - and I could have used some new bath towels.

I thought about how I stood there alone, just another number. I even laughed at myself a bit as I wondered, "what does one wear to a divorce?" Is it come-as-you-are event? Or do I treat myself to red lipstick and a new wrap dress?

It took all of 3 seconds to erase two decades.

But then I thought about it, I would rather stand alone and take my power back without permission, then start again with the three entities I got married with. All three of us standing at the alter tying our lives together.

Me, him and his secret.

Perhaps power is letting go of the grip of the past and standing empty handed facing the future with someone you love.

You know who you are.....

Time for Time

"Romance for most men is sex and recreation; for women it's affection, conversation and time alone with the one they love. When all four come together, your chances of staying together are high." - Steven Smith, author of LOVE BUSTERS.


Ok -so this guy totally GETS It. I can be a total bitch about this topic, ask my boyfriend, bless his little hair gelled heart, but after seeing so many failed relationships around me, including a few of my own, I think this author has a point.

Here is what he wrote today in a newsletter -

To stay together forever, follow the policy of regular undivided attention.

By: S Smith

Women leave men at double the rate of men leaving women. Want to know why guys? Main reason?

Neglect. Unbalanced attention in other places. Work. Kids. TV. These include both emotional abandonment and physical abandonment.

At the start, spending time alone with each other was your highest priority. You probably spent the majority of your leisure time together, planning and plotting the next meet-up,and the time you spent together was probably the most enjoyable part of every week. Days seemed like weeks, weeks seemed like months.

Privacy

The time you plan to be together should not include children (who are awake). Establish privacy so that you are better able to give each other your undivided attention. It is essential for you as a couple to spend time alone even with kids in the home. When you have time alone, you have a much greater opportunity to make a n emotional bank deposit. Without privacy, undivided attention is almost impossible, and without undivided attention, you are not likely to meet some of each others most important emotional needs for regular intimacy.

First, I recommend that you learn to be together with and without your children when they are there. This sends a good signal to the children that the world does not revolve around them when they are home, and it is fantastic for them to "see" you going on a date. This can be very difficult for many couples, especially when children are very young or you are in a divorce situation. Don't let divorce guilt set in. Be balanced with time when they are there, get a sitter, it's OK. Most parents don't want to think that their own children interfere with their privacy. To them, an evening with their children is privacy. Not so. Balance it out.

While we all know know they can't make love with children around, the presence of children prevents much more than sex, which is key to a relationship. When children are present, they interfere with affection and intimate conversation, adult topics, working out disagreements and not being interrupted. Another relationship killer. These are very vital needs to keep a relationship alive. Uninterrupted conversation.

This may mean that after everything has been scheduled, there is little time left for friends and relatives sometimes. If that's the case, you're too busy or wasting time in other areas of your life, but at least you will not be sacrificing your love for each other. The bedroom is not a playroom, or TV room, it's your space. keep it relaxing and special.

Third, I recommend that you understand what giving undivided attention means.

Your time together is too important to the security of your relationship to neglect. It's more important than time spent doing anything else during the week, including time with your children and your job. Yes that's right, children or work! Most couples don't get this and the guilt sets in. Life without love is no life at all. Happy couples are the core to happy children - spoiled children are the core to miserable adults. So, better together and fulfilled taking time for love and kids, than alone never showing your kids that you share your time. To help you plan your week with each others emotional needs in mind, I encourage you to meet or talk weekly to look over each others schedule for the coming month. Plan and stick to the dates.

It says and shows "we are important to me."