1) Our house was filled with furniture my parents stole from the Salvation Army drop box at night.
2) We were made to help shove these items into a Dodge station wagon with a very narrow hatchback wearing pajamas.Usually it was raining.
3) My parents insisted that we all sit in the pitch dark basement on Halloween with one candle to avoid "spiritual warfare". My brother actually admits this. He has blocked everything else out.
I think this was all just to get out of buying the Halloween candy.
4) My parents belonged to a freaky cult where people gave birth in their bathtubs at home, next to a bottle of Lysol with the family, neighbors and cat looking on. I saw pictures.
5) My mother would circle a party listening for anyone who would complain of an ailment, then offer to deliver demons or heal them. This included cold sores. No joke.
6) My Father used to stand at the top of the steps screaming at me when I was late coming home at night. His pajamas were see-through with the light behind them. He never knew why I was laughing hysterically.My poor mother...ew.
7)I saw my mother on all fours on top of the washing machine once, rebuking Satan, screaming at the helpless broken appliance with a wild look in her eye and her smiley face earnings swinging. I stared at her like a puppy trying to figure out a vacuum cleaner.
When this didn't work she climbed down and calmly said "call Sears".
8) Mom mixed powdered milk and poured it into a "normal" store bought milk carton to trick us. I guess the smelly yellow foam on top was the dead give-away.
9) I came home after school in the 11th grade to find my mother frantically filling a garbage bag with various items around the house claiming they were either satanic or filthy. (she clearly had just read a new book) My old Donny Osmond records, a yarn Gods-eye I made at camp, souvenirs from Mexico, an ashtray, several Catholic relics from my now dead grandmother, rosaries, prayer cards, books, (Are You There God It's Me Margarete) 10 record albums including Heart whom she insisted were lesbians not sisters, and a Donny and Marie lunch box (Mormons). She burned them at her friend "Putsys" house. I never had the heart to tell her about dads hidden Penthouse collection in the garage.
Each of those items are now at collectors value on Ebay. I check often just to torture myself.
10) We were forbidden to watch Bewitched or I Dream Of Jeanie.
11) My Mother used to tie pantyhose to mine and my brothers bedroom door knobs, which were across the hall from each other, so we would stay in our rooms. She would go downstairs and smoke while chatting on the phone..
12) We had red white and blue carpet in our kitchen .Mom insisted it "warms things up."
13) We were never allowed to have sugared cereal, candy or soda in the house - so when PMS hit around 12, I would take hits from the Hershey's Syrup can when she wasnt looking.
14) Mom had the great idea to sell miniature 3 inch "bread loaves" at the church holiday bazaar one year. We baked and shellacked 500 tiny loaves of bread for 48 hours. She sold two. After that everyone we knew got bread mobiles as gifts from 1974 to 1998.Thank God I didn't get my marketing and product branding smarts from her.
15) When I was 17, we went to Cancun Mexico on a first (and last) family vacation. To save money, my parents smuggled canned Spam past customs. They were as nervous as if they had ten pounds of cocaine. Later they cleverly cooked little slices using the lid as a pan on the tiny stove in our hotel room. There we sat on the bed, waiting for "dinner" watching dad flip each piece with a fork.
This is when I knew I had to escape. I moved out a week later.
