Your Stalking Lasted Longer Than Our Dating Did
I sat reading his text, to be one of hundreds yet to come over the next several months……..
“I sent a “package” to your new boyfriend in commemoration of our anniversary…I hope you both enjoy it.”
“I hope you have a nice weekend, it may be a while….”
“I’m going to break your f**ing back and bring you to your knees..”
You never think it will be you, to be stalked by a past loved one, in this case my ex-husband of 22 years. I learned all I could about these personalities and thought I would share it below in honor of National Stalking Awareness Month.
Stalking is defined as the willful and repeated following, watching, and/or harassing of anotherperson. In most cases, the purpose of stalking is to force a relationship with an unwilling or unavailable target. It is a crime of power and control.
Contrary to other crimes that usually consist of a single act, stalking consists of a series of actions spread out over time. Stalking is illegal but can involve actions which in themselves are legal, such as gathering information, calling on the phone, or sending gifts or emails.
Stalking is defined as the willful and repeated following, watching, and/or harassing of anotherperson. In most cases, the purpose of stalking is to force a relationship with an unwilling or unavailable target. It is a crime of power and control.
Contrary to other crimes that usually consist of a single act, stalking consists of a series of actions spread out over time. Stalking is illegal but can involve actions which in themselves are legal, such as gathering information, calling on the phone, or sending gifts or emails.
- Rejected stalkers pursue their victims in order to reverse, correct, or avenge a rejection (e.g. divorce, separation, termination).
- Resentful stalkers pursue a vendetta because of a sense of grievance against the victims – motivated mainly by the desire to frighten and distress the victim.
- Intimacy seekers seek to establish an intimate, loving relationship with their victim. To them, the victim is a long-sought-after soul mate, and they were ‘meant’ to be together.
- Incompetent suitors, despite poor social or courting skills, have a fixation, or in some cases a sense of entitlement to an intimate relationship with those who have attracted their amorous interest. Their victims are most often already in a dating relationship with someone else.
- Predatory stalkers spy on the victim in order to prepare and plan an attack – usually sexual – on the victim.
While the vengeance stalker’s motive is “to get even” with the other person whom he/she perceives has done some wrong to them.
Many stalkers fit categories. With rejected stalkers, the continual clinging to a relationship of an inadequate or dependent person couples with the entitlement of the narcissistic personality, and the persistent jealousy of the immature victim personality. In contrast, resentful stalkers demonstrate an almost “pure culture of persecution,” all their life with delusional personality disorders .
Stalking tactics - http://www.sexualharassmentsupport.org/Stalking.html
Stalking tactics - http://www.sexualharassmentsupport.org/Stalking.html
The Trance of Denial
Taken from The Spiritual Divorce: By Debbie Ford
Denial is a defense mechanism of the ego that puts blinders over our eyes and plugs in our ears so that we're unable to experience life as it truly is -- without the story. When we're stuck in the trance of denial, we believe that what we think, what we feel, and what we see are true.
When we're in denial, we're living inside a self-made illusion that narrows our vision. Imagine being in a beautiful, lush forest, with hundreds of different kinds of plants, trees, and flowers, and discovering that inside these hundreds of acres of beautiful landscaping is a small patch of dead trees. Fascinated, you take out your camera, focus the lens on this small part of the forest, and snap a picture that contains only the dead trees. You develop the picture, and then you go around showing all your friends and family the picture of the dead trees. After a while you forget the lushness of the entire forest and begin to believe that your picture reflects the real condition of the forest.
Denial causes us to focus only on what we want to see in order to protect ourselves from the entire truth. We're taught to look the other way, to point our finger, and to blame others for our problems. This method of self-protection leaves us stuck in the delusion that we're the saint and our partner is the sinner, that we're the victim and our partner is the abuser. It leaves us angry, resentful, and powerless over the circumstances of our lives. It cuts us off from the lushness of the forest and leaves us in the presence of the dying trees.
Emotional Blackmailers.
Many of us were horrified when we first caught a glimpse of the cover of Time Magazine a few weeks ago. The woman from the Middle East who had her nose sliced off by her husband and brother because she didn't do what they wanted. Physical and emotional black mail run rampant in American society too. I understand this picture is horrific, but I hear of women everyday who are beaten or killed after filing for divorce, or when they begin seeing someone else. What the hell is the problem with people today who have no conflict resolution skills? Why cant the shunned lover move on with their life before destroying several others in their toxic pain? Whats with the stalking, texting, GPS-ing anyway?
Well this is an extreme example but there are other more subtle kinds of abuse. One that interests me the most is "emotional blackmail." I have a family that decided to cut me off for "non-compliance" and the pain and loss of a family (no matter how toxic) in a twisted way is still devastating. I am a fix-it girl by nature, so I tend to delve into the stuff that I just cant explain, and that's when I started looking at this phenomenon and ran across the term. I have noticed a pattern in my life of emotional abusers, who are drawn to caretakers and people-pleasers. They get so used to the "help" that when you dont (or cant) comply, (they see it as one in the same) these "co-dep's" freak out and see it as a betrayal, or selfishness.
Truth is they have become so dependent on what you can DO for THEM that its now become a take-take relationship of depletion in a sick game of co-dependent-bail out- fix my chaotic-out-of-balance- clusterfuck- toxic- shit -cycle-life....or else!
Or you'll get the "FINE, DO WHATEVER, YOUR GOING TO ANYWAY!!!!!!" toxic guilt trip anger baby brat response. (Throw some sand, take your toys and stomp home then...)
I got to thinking last night - I have be told I "can never make a decision." Actually, yes I can. But when you live your entire life getting punished for saying how you really feel, or what you really NEED or what you really WANT - how apt are you to just lay it out there? I'm sick of ducking when the shit hits the fan. Exhaustively, I have to weigh the pros- and cons for months, even years because whatever I decide I am going to be punished by at least half of the co- dependents in my life. But if I dont stop the cycle, I am not living to my true potential, my authentic self. I am 46, there are no do-overs. Today is a new day...
RED FLAGS
Emotional blackmailers will...
Threaten to make things difficult if you don't do what they want.
Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don't give in.
Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants even when they know what they are.
Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves, if you don't do what they want.
Shower you with approval when you give into them and take it away when you don't.
Use the withdrawal of money or housing as a weapon to get their own way.
Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten (either directly or indirectly) to punish us if we don't do what they want to fill their needs. At the heart of any kind of blackmail is one basic threat, which can be expressed in many different ways.
To an emotional blackmailer, keeping your trust doesn't count, respecting your feelings doesn't count, being fair doesn't count, being “patient” won’t happen. The ground rules that allow for healthy give-and-take go out the window. They won’t remember (or think silly) what your needs are, but will push for you to meet theirs.They are very inconsiderate about what is important to you. It's only what is important to them.
Emotional blackmail hits closer to home. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationship with them. They know our vulnerabilities. Often they know our deepest secrets. And no matter how much they care about us, when they fear they won't go their way, they use this intimate knowledge to shape the threats that give them the payoff they want: our compliance. Knowing that we want love or approval, our blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether if we don’t what works for them, or make us feel we must earn something, or wait if we want something in return from them. For example, if you pride yourself being generous and caring, the blackmailer might label you selfish or inconsiderate if you don't accede to his wishes.
If you value money and security, the blackmailer might attach conditions to providing them or threaten to take them away. And if you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting him control your decisions and behavior for every step of your life. We get locked into a dance with blackmailer, a dance with myriad steps, shapes and partners. often blackmailers don’t even know they are blackmailing someone because it is all about them and what THEY need, and they love leveraging your feelings for them as a motivator. These people are unable to understand how their actions affect others. Someone can be crying and they will continue to push for what they want. These are very selfish people who usually have gotten themselves into a predicament - and control others to bail them out. However, a shunned or criminal blackmailer might threaten to use knowledge or make up lies about a person's past to ruin her reputation, or if a criminal blackmailer ask to be paid off in cash to hide a secret.
Emotional blackmailers hate to lose. They take the old adage "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game", and turn it on its head to read…. "It doesn't matter how you play the game as long as you do not lose and get what you want." In the midst of what we thought was a solid relationship it's as though someone yelled "Everyone for himself!" and the other person took advantage of us while our guard was down, or we needed help. Why is winning so important to blackmailers? Why are they doing this to us? Why do they need to get their way so badly that they'll punish us if they don't? Selfish. Blackmailers usually have few friends and have many failed relationships. When the other person gets pushed to the brink - they flee.
It's never easy to resist the fear that their bleak vision will come to pass, especially when the theme they're pounding home is "Bad things will happen - and it'll be your fault." But hold your ground.
They say:
*Why are you being so stubborn/obstinate/selfish?
*If you don't take care of me, I'll wind up in the hospital/on the street/unable to work.
* I can't believe you're being so selfish. This isn't like you. You're only thinking of yourself. You never think about my feelings.
* That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
* You'll destroy this family.
* You're not my child anymore.
* I'm cutting you out of my will.
* Why are you ruining my life?
*Why are you making such a big deal out of this?
* I can't make it without you.
* I'll make you suffer.
* You'll be sorry.
Silent Blackmailers
But what about the person who blackmails through anger that is expressed covertly through sulks and suffering? When they say nothing, what can you say or do? For many targets, this silent anger is far more maddening and crazy than an overt attack. Sometimes it seems as if nothing works with this kind of blackmailer, and sometimes nothing does. But you'll have the most success if you stick to the principles of non defensive communication and stay conscious of the following do's and don'ts.
These techniques are the only ones that have a chance to interrupt the pattern that's so typical of a silent, angry blackmailer, the cycle that goes "Look how upset I am, and it's all your fault. Now figure out what you did wrong, you don’t get my affection -now you're going to be alone" I know how infuriating it is to have to be the rational one when you feel like strangling the other person, but your hardest job will be to stay non defensive and to convince the quietly angry person that it's OK for them to be angry when they've spent lifetime believing just the opposite.
Information on this page comes from: Emotional Blackmail : When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Susan Forware, Donna Frazier Price: $10.40 Paperback - 272 pages 1 Harper edition (March 1998) paperback) ISBN: 0060928972
Emotional Blackmailers.
Do you live with one?
Many of us were horrified when we first caught a glimpse of the cover of Time Magazine a few weeks ago. The woman from the Middle East who had her nose sliced off by her husband and brother because she didn't do what they wanted. Physical and emotional black mail run rampant in American society too. I understand this picture is horrific, but I hear of women everyday who are beaten or killed after filing for divorce, or when they begin seeing someone else. What the hell is the problem with people today who have no conflict resolution skills? Why cant the shunned lover move on with their life before destroying several others in their toxic pain? Whats with the stalking, texting, GPS-ing anyway?
Well this is an extreme example but there are other more subtle kinds of abuse. One that interests me the most is "emotional blackmail." I have a family that decided to cut me off for "non-compliance" and the pain and loss of a family (no matter how toxic) in a twisted way is still devastating. I am a fix-it girl by nature, so I tend to delve into the stuff that I just cant explain, and that's when I started looking at this phenomenon and ran across the term. I have noticed a pattern in my life of emotional abusers, who are drawn to caretakers and people-pleasers. They get so used to the "help" that when you dont (or cant) comply, (they see it as one in the same) these "co-dep's" freak out and see it as a betrayal, or selfishness.
Truth is they have become so dependent on what you can DO for THEM that its now become a take-take relationship of depletion in a sick game of co-dependent-bail out- fix my chaotic-out-of-balance- clusterfuck- toxic- shit -cycle-life....or else!
Or you'll get the "FINE, DO WHATEVER, YOUR GOING TO ANYWAY!!!!!!" toxic guilt trip anger baby brat response. (Throw some sand, take your toys and stomp home then...)
I got to thinking last night - I have be told I "can never make a decision." Actually, yes I can. But when you live your entire life getting punished for saying how you really feel, or what you really NEED or what you really WANT - how apt are you to just lay it out there? I'm sick of ducking when the shit hits the fan. Exhaustively, I have to weigh the pros- and cons for months, even years because whatever I decide I am going to be punished by at least half of the co- dependents in my life. But if I dont stop the cycle, I am not living to my true potential, my authentic self. I am 46, there are no do-overs. Today is a new day...
RED FLAGS
Emotional blackmailers will...
Threaten to make things difficult if you don't do what they want.
Constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don't give in.
Regularly ignore or discount your feelings and wants even when they know what they are.
Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves, if you don't do what they want.
Shower you with approval when you give into them and take it away when you don't.
Use the withdrawal of money or housing as a weapon to get their own way.
Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten (either directly or indirectly) to punish us if we don't do what they want to fill their needs. At the heart of any kind of blackmail is one basic threat, which can be expressed in many different ways.
If you don't behave the way I want you to, you will suffer, your life will change.
To an emotional blackmailer, keeping your trust doesn't count, respecting your feelings doesn't count, being fair doesn't count, being “patient” won’t happen. The ground rules that allow for healthy give-and-take go out the window. They won’t remember (or think silly) what your needs are, but will push for you to meet theirs.They are very inconsiderate about what is important to you. It's only what is important to them.
Emotional blackmail hits closer to home. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationship with them. They know our vulnerabilities. Often they know our deepest secrets. And no matter how much they care about us, when they fear they won't go their way, they use this intimate knowledge to shape the threats that give them the payoff they want: our compliance. Knowing that we want love or approval, our blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether if we don’t what works for them, or make us feel we must earn something, or wait if we want something in return from them. For example, if you pride yourself being generous and caring, the blackmailer might label you selfish or inconsiderate if you don't accede to his wishes.
If you value money and security, the blackmailer might attach conditions to providing them or threaten to take them away. And if you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting him control your decisions and behavior for every step of your life. We get locked into a dance with blackmailer, a dance with myriad steps, shapes and partners. often blackmailers don’t even know they are blackmailing someone because it is all about them and what THEY need, and they love leveraging your feelings for them as a motivator. These people are unable to understand how their actions affect others. Someone can be crying and they will continue to push for what they want. These are very selfish people who usually have gotten themselves into a predicament - and control others to bail them out. However, a shunned or criminal blackmailer might threaten to use knowledge or make up lies about a person's past to ruin her reputation, or if a criminal blackmailer ask to be paid off in cash to hide a secret.
Emotional blackmailers hate to lose. They take the old adage "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game", and turn it on its head to read…. "It doesn't matter how you play the game as long as you do not lose and get what you want." In the midst of what we thought was a solid relationship it's as though someone yelled "Everyone for himself!" and the other person took advantage of us while our guard was down, or we needed help. Why is winning so important to blackmailers? Why are they doing this to us? Why do they need to get their way so badly that they'll punish us if they don't? Selfish. Blackmailers usually have few friends and have many failed relationships. When the other person gets pushed to the brink - they flee.
It's never easy to resist the fear that their bleak vision will come to pass, especially when the theme they're pounding home is "Bad things will happen - and it'll be your fault." But hold your ground.
They say:
*Why are you being so stubborn/obstinate/selfish?
*If you don't take care of me, I'll wind up in the hospital/on the street/unable to work.
* I can't believe you're being so selfish. This isn't like you. You're only thinking of yourself. You never think about my feelings.
* That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
* You'll destroy this family.
* You're not my child anymore.
* I'm cutting you out of my will.
* Why are you ruining my life?
*Why are you making such a big deal out of this?
* I can't make it without you.
* I'll make you suffer.
* You'll be sorry.
Silent Blackmailers
But what about the person who blackmails through anger that is expressed covertly through sulks and suffering? When they say nothing, what can you say or do? For many targets, this silent anger is far more maddening and crazy than an overt attack. Sometimes it seems as if nothing works with this kind of blackmailer, and sometimes nothing does. But you'll have the most success if you stick to the principles of non defensive communication and stay conscious of the following do's and don'ts.
These techniques are the only ones that have a chance to interrupt the pattern that's so typical of a silent, angry blackmailer, the cycle that goes "Look how upset I am, and it's all your fault. Now figure out what you did wrong, you don’t get my affection -now you're going to be alone" I know how infuriating it is to have to be the rational one when you feel like strangling the other person, but your hardest job will be to stay non defensive and to convince the quietly angry person that it's OK for them to be angry when they've spent lifetime believing just the opposite.
Information on this page comes from: Emotional Blackmail : When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, Susan Forware, Donna Frazier Price: $10.40 Paperback - 272 pages 1 Harper edition (March 1998) paperback) ISBN: 0060928972
