Yeah so.... Chris and Henry went camping at the last minute today. Decided this at flipping noon. (Shocking) But guess who packed? I'll wait while you guess, go on...just guess...
DING... DING ...DING! Yes! You win the trip to London, the electric jar opener AND The Mercury Cougar.
Scene One: I come home from the Gym and Starbucks. I see two "somewhere on the spectrum" males running around the house trying to get packed and ready to go because they just discovered that the camp sites are first-come-first-serve.
I survey the chaos while sipping my coffee. Henry's hair is standing on end and he hasn't eaten breakfast (its 1:00pm) and he is sporting winter PJ's while holding a huge walking stick with a ball attached to it with 600 pounds of tape. (random) He is jumping on the (my) sofa and informs me that he is Sly the super hero - and begs me to watch him walk "just like him."
I watch.
Chris is banging about looking for his glasses, keys and phone. When the phone is located he realizes it has been on vibrate for like 8 days.
Giving birth to triplets on a hot tar alley sounded better than this looked. So I packed their stuff just to get them out of my hair..... plus it just plain hurt to watch.
Scene One (before I took over....)
Chris: "Almost packed!" He is holding his clothes in one hand waving them around like a winning lottery ticket with a frayed a toothbrush sticking out of his back pocket.
Lisa: "Why the hell are you holding your clothes? You look lame."
Chris: "I thought a suitcase would be weird, sorta sissy."
Lisa: "Walking into a campsite with your clothes in one hand and that toothbrush would be even weirder. This is akin to me holding a box of Tampons the entire week of my period. Go get your backpack."
Chris: "I cant find my backpack...."
Lisa: "Its on your closet floor, the same place it has been for 4 years and every single time you tell me you cant find it......you just want me to bend down and get it."
He smiles because he knows that I am right.
Scene Two:
Chris: Running around upstairs thudding on wood floors with size 13 feet, dramatically yells... "OMG ....where are my binoculars!!?"
Lisa: "Like really? You are going to be walking into a "car campsite" off of 395 with binoculars? What are you going to look at? The mileage of the car 8 slots down? Chipotle? Targets parking lot?"
He gives me the stink eye stifling a laugh because he knows how dumb this is.
Scene Three:
He comes in for a hug ready to walk out the door.
Lisa: "Stop,,,, did you pack bug spray? Matches? Sunscreen? Swimsuits? Chairs? Cooler? Ice? Water? Beach towels? Food? Melatonin?" (In other words, do you want to sleep tonight?)
Chris: (I can hear his cells divide) "Well ..no, but there is a camp store on the grounds."
Lisa: "So your going to 'power shop' at the campground store and buy pillows?" (Old habits die hard.)
Note:He used to power grocery shop at 7-11 when we first started dating. I swear three bags cost him like $179.00. The first time I took him to a Super Walmart and magically acquired 13 bags of groceries for $90, he was almost weeping. I felt like I had just rescued a Romanian orphan and was showing him Disneyland.
So today this is where I put my Starbucks down and start slamming around the kitchen. I make and pack food for them all the while knowing they will go to McDonalds anyway.
I am becoming pre-mad.
I hand him a loaded down laundry basket of food... sandwiches, smores stuff, skewers, hot dogs, buns, homemade cookies, fruit, salsa chips, zip-locks of soapy washrags (this is my grandmas move we always gave her shit about.) Also matches, beach towels, Henry's DS, books for both, glasses, bug repellant, flashlights, (for reading, dahh) paper towels, toilet paper, blankets, pillows and eating utensils.
Ya know. Just in case.
Chris:Smiling .... "I want to marry you."
Lisa: "You need a mommy not a wife."
I push his sorry arse out the door.
Every time you lie to me, God kills a kitten by dissolving it in a vat of acid. Don’t be jerktard.....
This is what I want to tell every guy who has ever lied to me and broke my heart. That would be a lot of kittens. But I was "stuffer" back then-and instead - passively sat crying with my head in a bucket of ice cream.
Now I have found my voice.
Just ask my boyfriend.
After almost 4 years of dating - and now living under the same roof, I still can't give up the courting romance thing.
He is very patient.
Example. He is sitting in a chair. He is watching TV five feet from me and I have just moved in a few days earlier.
Then I say it, a bit tweaked.
"You didn't even call me tonight."
He slowly turns his head and gives me that simple creature look.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" he says, alarmed.
"No" I say annoyed, "you always called me by 9:30 every night. I just miss it is all. Just because I'm living here now doesn't mean the calls have to end."
I can hear his hair grow.
I make him go into the bathroom and call me.
No really, I do.
I have shaped his behavior.
I have won.
I also will text him when we are sitting in the same restaurant..... at the same table when he isn't looking. I just want to see if his eyes light up when he realizes its me. Normally I wouldn't be there so I don't know what happens.
I also believe that a story well-told is better than an orgasm I didn’t give myself. So I drone on to him with loooong stories about love, romance, trips we need to take, shoes, cosmetic surgery I need, houses we have to buy and remodel, bed sheets, color swatches and hormones.
He calls it "pouring" and says I'm like a 747 roaring down the runway.
I call it love :)
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