Fifteen Reasons Why I Think My Childhood May Have Been F*@#! Up.2) My brother and I were made to help shove a 32 inch item into a 38 wide inch Dodge hatchback at dusk in the alley wearing pajamas. It was raining.
3) My parents hid with my brother and I in the basement on Halloween to avoid "demonic spiritual warfare". We ate burnt popcorn as if this could make it fun. Dad shoved a pillow into the window well to block any light from our candle. We sat waiting for all the trick-or-treaters to finish. I was nine, it was devastating.
I think this was all just to get out of buying the Halloween candy.
4) My parents belonged to a freaky cult called "Servents Of The Light" where people gave birth in their bathtubs at home next to a bottle of Lysol with the entire family, neighbors and cat looking on. I saw pictures.
5) My mother would circle a room listening for anyone who would complain of an ailment, then offer to deliver demons or heal them. This included cold sores. No joke.
6) My Father used to stand at the top of the steps screaming at me when I was late coming home at night. His pajamas were see-through with the light behind them. Gross.
7) My mother routinely prayed over broken appliances. A common scene was her on all fours on top of the washing machine rebuking Satan with a wild look in her eyes and her smiley face earnings swinging. I stared at her like a puppy trying to figure out a vacuum cleaner. My friend was over.
When this didn't work she climbed down and screamed at my father to "fucking call Sears".
8) Mom mixed powdered milk and poured it into a "normal" store bought milk carton to trick us. Nice try.
9) I came home after school in the 11th grade to find my mother frantically filling a garbage bag with various items around the house claiming they were satanic. (she clearly had just read a new book) Gone were my beloved Donny Osmond records, a yarn Gods-eye I made at camp, souvenirs from Mexico, an ashtray, several Catholic relics from my now dead grandmother, rosaries, prayer cards, books, (Are You There God It's Me Margarete....filthy!!) 10 more record albums including Heart whom she insisted were lesbians - not sisters, and a Donny and Marie lunch box (Mormons) I never had the heart to tell her about dads hidden Penthouse collection in the garage and top of he china hutch.
I'm surprised I didn't grow up to become a hoarder.
10) We were forbidden to watch Bewitched or I Dream Of Jeanie, SNL, Saturday Night Fever or Greece. I just saw the last two this winter at age 46.
11) My Mother used to tie pantyhose to mine and my brothers bedroom door knobs which were across the hall from each other to lock us in our rooms. She would go downstairs and smoke while chatting on the phone. Then read her Bible.
12) We had red white and blue carpet in our kitchen. Mom insisted it "warms things up."
13) We were rarely allowed to have sugared cereal, candy or soda in the house - so when PMS hit around 12, I would take hits from the Hershey's Syrup can when she wasn't looking.
14) Mom had the great idea to sell miniature 3 inch "bread loaf mobiles" at the church holiday bazaar. We baked and shellacked 500 tiny loaves of bread for 48 hours. She sold two. After that everyone we knew got bread mobiles as gifts from 1974 to 1998.
Thank God I didn't get my marketing and product branding smarts from her.
15) When I was 17, we went to Cancun Mexico on a first (and last) family vacation. To save money, my parents smuggled canned Spam past customs. They were as nervous as if they had ten pounds of cocaine. Later they cleverly cooked little slices using the lid as a pan on the tiny stove in our hotel room. There we sat on the bed, waiting for "dinner" watching dad flip each piece with a fork.
This is when I knew I had to escape. I moved out a week later.
