Leaving someone gives new meaning to the term afterlife.
Someone for whom you gave your life and past for two decades; gave up bare as a licked bone, only to find out that he lied about, not everything, but the big things, the things that mattered.
Regardless of his reasons – they were selfish ones. Self protective maybe – than he shouldn't have gotten married. A real marriage, whether the church-cake- legal kind, or marriage by the heart on a flower covered hill somewhere, just the two of you, doesn’t allow room for secrets.
My answers are complicated –but the truth is simple.
It all flows from currents of my past. It took living with a man who neglected us, to realize that growing up in my dysfunctional family had left me with such a high tolerance for cruelty that I couldn't recognize perversion when it hit me in the face.
Now my life is divided into three parts; before, during and after. Also -Leaving him has nothing to do with getting away from him.
Someone for whom you gave your life and past for two decades; gave up bare as a licked bone, only to find out that he lied about, not everything, but the big things, the things that mattered.
Regardless of his reasons – they were selfish ones. Self protective maybe – than he shouldn't have gotten married. A real marriage, whether the church-cake- legal kind, or marriage by the heart on a flower covered hill somewhere, just the two of you, doesn’t allow room for secrets.
My answers are complicated –but the truth is simple.
It all flows from currents of my past. It took living with a man who neglected us, to realize that growing up in my dysfunctional family had left me with such a high tolerance for cruelty that I couldn't recognize perversion when it hit me in the face.
Now my life is divided into three parts; before, during and after. Also -Leaving him has nothing to do with getting away from him.
He has fooled them all. Gained pity as the victim- he was "replaced" he says. He fails to tell people he didn't touch me for 2 years at a time, refused counseling and drove to Boone NC while I was on business in NYC twice to try to locate the woman he had the affair with three months before our marriage.
His clever twists and turns on the stories, even if partially true are seriously out- of- context; and always just telling/showing of my reactions to his actions. His family, my family – they don’t know the truth, the whole story. Just one side of a very complicated story, hell even his lawyer had to be told the truth by my lawyer at mediation.(do you text her 87-100 a day? Did you call her switchboard at work 17 times screaming to put Lisa on the fucking phone? Did you sleep with Mary, Carla, Laura - all before you were divorced? Did you and your private investigator Starbuck pal GPS her car? Did you break into her house - twice when she was out-of-town? Do you refer to her when with your children as "The Traitor" or "The Adultress?" Did YOU sleep with Penny lea Muller for five years while she was married? ) Scott sat sheepishly nodding but adds...Penny was committing adultery, not me. (WTF????).
What went on in the bedroom, my heart and his damaged mind. It was emotional abuse, the things I found, caught...I had to walk away. Funny thing, he had a new girlfriend just 4 weeks after he left. Said he loved her, left our family on Christmas to be with her. I found the emails. Printed them, he admitted it to me and the boys, said he wasnt thinking.
I face my demons head-on, always have, trying to take responsibility for my fuck-ups, and yes there are many, but few I actually regret as a whole. You rarely choose the circumstances that become your life’s meaning, and given a list of options, divorce and being stalked and terrorized are not ones I would have chosen.
Simplistically I thought, I could just walk away, go inside myself for a bit, journal, read self-help books and pop into therapy from time-to-time, think at the beach, and learn from my mistakes. I would be older and wiser – and could just slip into the future with my "new and improved" self, meet Mr. wonderful while being clear-headed and whole for him.
But getting away isn’t as easy as it sounds.
One can do all the physical separation one wants, only to be reminded daily that “he” can mess up your life, your credit (again) and destroy your reputation in a simple conversation with your hairdresser, or through all the fake email he sent to himself just to show family. Now it's in litigation.It will go nowhere.
I face my demons head-on, always have, trying to take responsibility for my fuck-ups, and yes there are many, but few I actually regret as a whole. You rarely choose the circumstances that become your life’s meaning, and given a list of options, divorce and being stalked and terrorized are not ones I would have chosen.
Simplistically I thought, I could just walk away, go inside myself for a bit, journal, read self-help books and pop into therapy from time-to-time, think at the beach, and learn from my mistakes. I would be older and wiser – and could just slip into the future with my "new and improved" self, meet Mr. wonderful while being clear-headed and whole for him.
But getting away isn’t as easy as it sounds.
One can do all the physical separation one wants, only to be reminded daily that “he” can mess up your life, your credit (again) and destroy your reputation in a simple conversation with your hairdresser, or through all the fake email he sent to himself just to show family. Now it's in litigation.It will go nowhere.
A clever little tape recorder, and a stalking texts saying that he is watching me, or that he saw me at a named restaurant bar last Sunday night. Snapping photos of me, my car and mailbox as he angrily circled my parking lot until the police came, later with back-up. Sneaking into my house stealing our wedding license, my diamond ring, a $100 bill , notes and photos from my night stand drawer. Hacking my email, manufacturing more "fake" ones, (I was on an airplane the exact moment they were written and sent by him, as me - love that I save receipts) and stealing passwords from my Rolodex, reading my private blog, cutting pasting, adding....sending, showing, telling.
Busted. Then it dawned on me...
The harassment and stalking has lasted longer then our dating did, and he hates me more than he loves his own children.
How could I have been with a man who is so capable of self serving hatred and destruction of his own life and children's heart and soul? Why did I choose a man who is the garden-variety selfish soul who doesn’t want to relinquish first place in his own life – but just wanted a good first- in -command while he hides his secret?
Refusals to dance with me. Even in private. His masturbating every night, alone in the bathroom. I lay in bed listening to it with tears running down my face. Faking sleep as he returns to our bed. Refreshed. His urges relieved without having to give.
I will always struggle to break my patterns from my past, the emotional and verbal abuse by my father, the mother who never stuck up for me, my often stupid conclusions, my insecure image of my quite normal body. All on crack-like hyper mode, all skewed, all wrong from a life of toxic people.
I am in love now. But early on I felt my own damage when I was with my new love. I recognized, sometimes, my slight hesitation of giving it all over to him during love-making, the holding back, the fear of asking for what I want, what I like, fear of rejection, despite his sweet assurances. That has all changed now - I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. I want him in my life, I want him to be part of my developing a richer interior. Being with him makes me a better person. A healthy relationship and a healthy family. A couple years later I have learned to trust this man freely- with my body and my heart.
A freedom I never knew.
I will always struggle to break my patterns from my past, the emotional and verbal abuse by my father, the mother who never stuck up for me, my often stupid conclusions, my insecure image of my quite normal body. All on crack-like hyper mode, all skewed, all wrong from a life of toxic people.
I am in love now. But early on I felt my own damage when I was with my new love. I recognized, sometimes, my slight hesitation of giving it all over to him during love-making, the holding back, the fear of asking for what I want, what I like, fear of rejection, despite his sweet assurances. That has all changed now - I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. I want him in my life, I want him to be part of my developing a richer interior. Being with him makes me a better person. A healthy relationship and a healthy family. A couple years later I have learned to trust this man freely- with my body and my heart.
A freedom I never knew.
No comments:
Post a Comment