So You Think Your a Stud do Ya?

Ok we've discussed all the things that girls shouldn't do to get a guy. What about the things guys shouldn't do when trying to get a girl?Things that make us want to jam a sissors in our retina just to get out of a date with them once we actually see them; realizing they don't look at ALL like their picture.

A few years back, a newly divorced friend of mine wanted to post herself on a dating web site and solicited my help in writing it. (Becareful what you ask for)!

So instead of listing all the charming attributes us gals seek in a guy (because we all know that men are in a constant state of denial and will think they posses all things good, regardless..)

I decided to list what women WOULDN'T want and throw these simple creatures for a loop. They would either have to "think" and quite possibly a light bulb would go off in their head, or they won't respond at all, thus weeding out the undesireables because no guy can change all his crap this fast, nor could he hide it.

It was the perfect personal ad and it read something like this:

Woman seeks mate for her best friend. I am writing this because I know her better than she knows herself and I have seen her laugh, cry, break stuff, PMS, barf, seen her sober and drunk, peaceful and hysterical, and laugh until she peed her pants on several occasions. She is blonde and tall and beautiful and if you mess with her heart, you will have to tangle with me...not a good thing as I have nothing to loose.

I seek a man for her who has a credit score that is higher than the number of women he has slept with. Must have a high end rental or home without blinkers on it. No souped up Cameros, fuzzy dice, duct taped windows, or ash trays on the dash with two-way tape.

No sticky bean bag chairs with porn mags hiding underneath it, no plaid sofas with wagon wheel arm rests. No black light posters, no speakers over one foot tall (I don't care if you got them free from the drive-in that closed in 1978) No light-up running boards on your truck, no chains outlining your license plates.

No decorating with shot glasses, jars of pennies, match books from trips, no Vegas spoon rests, cork, beer can pyramids, Budweiser towels as drapes, no spool end tables, deer or fish heads mounted on the walls, no TV trays, no nasty smelling bed sheets with crust in the center, no wooden tree clocks from the Sate Fair, no paneling, no hanging plants from a macrame holder you made in home economics your senior year. No dishes with dried egg on it mixed with ashes and ketchup in the sink.

Must have all original body parts, this includes hair and orthodontics. No mullets, no yellow teeth and must know what tooth whitening and floss are. No smoking, no B.O, no crotch rot or over grown patches of nasty-ass pubes (WE don't need the floss)

No Brut or Racquet Club, Polo or Old Spice cologne in your glove compartment to mask it either. No wide belts with name stamped in, no turquoise belt buckles, no Frye boots circa 1982, no Members Only jackets, no diamond earring studs or gold chains, no pink polo shirts with flip up collar.

Must posses an impressive job or talent.

Job must not be related to any of the following: "Sales rep", account rep, (aka: collections jerk) public relations,band member trying to hit it big, bowling alley manager, bouncer, fast food, casino or airport custodian, no working at Jiffy-Lubes or similar (I don't care if you are lead oil change guy), no used car dealerships, or any 100% commission jobs of any kind...this means you are so damn behind on your draw, that you live with your mother or she pays your trailer rent and makes you and your friends tater-tot hot-dish to eat while watching the game and you spend all your extra money on Tivo and beer.

Cannot be a boring conversationalist, talking only about yourself, any vile baggage, old parole officers you now party with, treatment center flings, sexual addictions you are "working to overcome" or speak of any physical attribuites of old girlfriends, ... this includes all sorts of reminiscing and rants.

If you still smoke pot with your friends every weekend, and have a Frisbee collection to de-seed it, you grow it, or deal it while looking forward to drinking the bong water and possibly making muffins or a BBQ marinade with it;

... you need not apply.

When my friend returned home that night, she found dozens of emails waiting. She called me screaming..."they said ..." I want your friends phone number who wrote this"..............you so suck!!

(I guess some men do get it)!