We Are All A Little Bit Psycho When We Love You

So I'm chatting to Hot Stuff the other day and he says"....Did I ever tell you that my ex used to call my voice mail at work JUST to hear my voice?"

The hesitation in my response surely gave it away -

"Ah......yeah, girls do that stuff..." I stammered. "I mean, ya know, I have..I mean your voice mails..and stuff..I save them all..."

He stopped eating his cookie and just blinked. I think I heard his hair grow.

That's when it hit me. It has NEVER even occurred to him to save my voice mails. EVA!

So I say with a snarky pout..."Sooooo..... you delete MY voice mails?"

Hot Stuff squirms in his fav red chair. (He loves it so much it needs it's own zip code...) and the look on his adorable man face was a combination of -oops meets dumbfounded enlightenment.

This is always so much fun to watch - when a guy doesn't know how to defend himself because he is so discombobulated that he was ever suppose to know this was important in the first place. So that gap where the correct answer or a clever little lie pops out, simply cannot gel fast enough.

Hence the look. If his brain was a cartoon right now - The Webkin just blew up.

"So, you delete them?" I demand in a high pitched screech, arms flailing.

"Well..NO!"....he wails.

I watch a little corner of his cookie fall to the floor.

".....I just never save them I guess...." he says, head hanging.

In his defense, I have to say that Hot Stuff has never been mean or insensitive. It is just that men don't have the first clue as to what women do or think in a relationship and don't think about details, like saving a message. I cannot expect him to understand. They live life in bulk. They are like Sam's Club, they get the bulk of stuff -big food, beer and sex. But they cant tell you what they ate in detail, what her name was, how many times, dates, colors, decor, what music was playing.

Women on the other hand live among AND for the details.

I, for example, can tell you exactly how Hot Stuff smelled, what he was wearing, the exact location of the sun in the sky, the temperature, the licence number of the cab next to us and exactly how his head tilted when he finally said "I love you" outside of Union Station. (I can also tell you how many seconds it took to start blubbering for joy when he drove away, and how fast I text'd Brenda with the news.)

So for simplicity's sake, I have compiled a list for all creatures sporting an appendage between their legs. Read it slow, know it's true and deal with it. Ninety percent of all straight females will agree this is the Gods honest truth.(The other ten percent are lying bitches.)

Here is a list from Mens Health Magazine this month. Swear to God. I was screaming out loud reading these. I feel normal and validated. Read on guys....


1) She has googled ALL your exes and already knew what they looked like and where they worked.

2) She is always observing and analyzing your every move, reading into your emails, texts and phone conversations.

3) She saves all your voice mails and has played them for her girlfriends who say you sound cute.

4) She spends an insane wad of money every month on waxing, tweezing, exfoliating, moisturizing, tooth bleaching, underwear buying, mani-pedi's, hair, dermatology, personal trainer, self tanner.

5) She needs constant indications that you want her around. Any slight hint of a future plan will make her weep and email her friends the second you leave to go to the bathroom.

6) She finds nothing sexier than watching you rush around shaving, showering and getting ready for work in the morning.

7) She wants you to take without asking.

8) She checks out your butt every time you leave the room. EVERY TIME!!!!

9) She wants you to talk a little bit dirty during sex.

10) When she falls in love she looses her appetite. Don't notice that she never finishes her food.

11) Just looking at your hands when you drive will turn her on.

12) She smells your shirts when you are at work.

13) She fantasizes about when she can see you again. Everything is stretched into slow motion.

14) She has peed into a HUGE wad of toilet paper so you don't hear her. She has panicked that it may not flush. (Ok - so I added this one)